हार की जीत -प्रेमचंद

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is lekh ka punarikshan evan sampadan hona avashyak hai. ap isamean sahayata kar sakate haian. "sujhav"

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keshav se meri purani lag-daant thi. lekh aur vani, hasy aur vinod sabhi kshetroan mean mujhase kosoan age tha. usake gunoan ki chandr-jyoti mean mere dipak ka prakash kabhi prasphutit n hua. ek bar use nicha dikhana mere jivan ki sabase b di abhilasha thi. us samay maianne kabhi svikar nahian kiya. apani trutiyoan ko kaun svikar karata hai par vastav mean mujhe eeshvar ne usaki jaisi buddhi-shakti n pradan ki thi. agar mujhe kuchh taskin thi to yah ki vidyakshetr mean chahe mujhe unase kandha milana kabhi nasib n ho, par vyavahar ki rangabhoomi mean sehara mere hi sir rahega. lekin durbhagy se jab pranay-sagar mean bhi usane mere sath gota mara aur ratn usi ke hath lagata hua najar aya to maian hatash ho gaya. ham donoan ne hi em.e. ke lie samyavad ka vishay liya tha. ham donoan hi samyavadi the. keshav ke vishay mean to yah svabhavik bat thi. usaka kul bahut pratishthit n tha, n vah samriddhi hi thi jo is kami ko poora kar deti. meri avastha isake pratikool thi. maian khanadan ka tallukedar aur rees tha. meri samyavadita par logoan ko kutoohal hota tha. hamare samyavad ke prophesar baboo haridas bhatiya samyavad ke siddhaantoan ke kayal the, lekin shayad dhan ki avahelana n kar sakate the. apani lajjavati ke lie unhoanne kushagr buddhi keshav ko nahian, mujhe pasand kiya. ek din sandhya-samay vah mere kamare mean aye aur chiantit bhav se bole-sharadacharan, maian mahinoan se ek b di chianta mean p da hua hooan. mujhe asha hai ki tum usaka nivaran kar sakate ho ! mere koee putr nahian hai. maianne tumhean aur keshav donoan hi ko putr-tuly samajha hai. yadyapi keshav tumase chatur hai, par mujhe vishvas hai ki vistrit sansar mean tumhean jo saphalata milegi, vah use nahian mil sakati. atev maianne tumhian ko apani lajja ke lie vara hai. kya maian asha karooan ki mera manorath poora hoga.

maian svatantr tha, mere mata-pita mujhe l dakapan hi mean chho d kar svarg chale gaye the. mere kutumbiyoan mean ab aisa koee n tha, jisaki anumati lene ki mujhe zaroorat hoti. lajjavati jaisi sushila, sundari, sushikshit stri ko pa kar kaun purush hoga jo apane bhagy ko n sarahata. maian phoola n samaya. lajja ek kusumit vatika thi, jahaan gulab ki manohar sugandhi thi aur hariyali ki manoram shitalata, samir ki shubhr tarange thian aur pakshiyoan ka madhur sangit. vah svayan samyavad par mohit thi. striyoan ke pratinidhitv aur aise hi any vishayoan par usane mujhase kitani hi bar batean ki thian. lekin prophesar bhatiya ki tarah keval siddhantoan ki bhakt n thi, unako vyavahar mean bhi lana chahati thi. usane chatur keshav ko apana sneh-patr banaya tha. tathapi maian janata tha ki prophesar bhatiya ke adesh ko vah kabhi nahian tal sakati, yadyapi usaki ichchha ke viruddh maian use apani pranayini banane ke lie taiyar n tha. is vishay mean maian svechchha ke siddhaant ka kayal tha. isalie maian keshav ki virakti aur kshobh se ashatit anand n utha saka. ham donoan hi duahkhi the, aur mujhe pahali bar keshav se sahanubhooti huee. maian lajjavati se keval itana poochhana chahata tha ki usane mujhe kyoan najaroan se gira diya. par usake samane aise najuk prashnoan ko chhe date hue mujhe sankoch hota tha, aur yah svabhavik tha, kyoanki koee ramani apane aantahkaran ke rahasyoan ko nahian khol sakati. lekin shayad lajjavati is paristhiti ko mere samane prakat karana apana kartavy samajh rahi thi. vah isaka avasar dhooandh rahi thi. sanyog se use shighr hi avasar mil gaya.

sandhya ka samay tha. keshav rajapoot h aaustal mean samyavad par ek vyakhyan dene gaya hua tha. prophesar bhatiya us jalase ke pradhan the. lajja apane bangale mean akeli baithi huee thi. maian apane ashaant hriday ke bhav chhipaye hue, shok aur nairashy ki dah se jalata hua usake samip a kar baith gaya. lajja ne meri or ek u dati huee nigah dali aur saday bhav se boli-kuchh chiantit jan p date ho ?

maianne kritrim udasinata se kaha-tumhari bala se.

lajja keshav ka vyakhyan sunane nahian gaye ?

meri aankhoan se jvala si nikalane lagi. jabt karake bola aj sir mean dard ho raha tha.

yah kahate-kahate anayas hi mere netroan se aansoo ki kee booandean tapak p dian. maian apane shok ko pradarshit karake usaka karunapatr banana nahian chahata tha. mere vichar mean rona striyoan ke hi svabhavanukool tha. maian us par krodh prakat karana chahata tha aur nikal p de aansoo. man ke bhav ichchha ke adhin nahian hote.

mujhe rote dekh kar lajja ki aankhoan se aansoo girane lage.

maian kina nahian rakhata, malin hriday nahian hooan, lekin n maloom kyoan lajja ke rone par mujhe is samay ek anand ka anubhav hua. us shokavastha mean bhi maian us par vyangy karane se baj n rah saka. bola lajja, maian to apane bhagy ko rota hooan. shayad tumhare anyay ki duhaee de raha hooan; lekin tumhare aansoo kyoan ?

lajja ne meri or tiraskar-bhav se dekha aur boli-mere aansuoan ka rahasy tum n samajhoge kyoanki tumane kabhi samajhane ki cheshta nahian ki. tum mujhe katu vachan suna kar apane chitt ko shaant kar lete ho. maian kise jalaooan. tumhean kya maloom hai ki maianne kitana aga-pichha sochakar, hriday ko kitana dabakar, kitani ratean karavatean badal kar aur kitane aansoo baha kar yah nishchay kiya hai. tumhari kul-pratishtha, tumhari riyasat ek divar ki bhaanti mere raste mean kh di hai. us divar ko maian par nahian kar sakati. maian janati hooan ki is samay tumhean kul-pratishtha aur riyasat ka leshamatr bhi abhiman nahian hai. lekin yah bhi janati hooan ki tumhara kalej ki shital chhaya mean pala hua samyavad bahut dinoan tak saansarik jivan ki loo aur lapat ko n sah sakega. us samay tum avashy apane phaisale par pachhataoge aur kudhoge. maian tumhare doodh ki makkhi aur hriday ka kaanta ban jaooangi.

maianne ardr hokar kaha-jin karanoan se mera samyavad lupt ho jayaga, kya vah tumhare samyavad ko jita chho dega ?

lajja haan, mujhe poora vishvas hai ki mujh par unaka jara bhi asar n hoga. mere ghar mean kabhi riyasat nahian rahi aur kul ki avastha tum bhalibhaanti janate ho. baboo ji ne keval apane aviral parishram aur adhyavasay se yah pad prapt kiya hai. mujhe vah nahian bhoola hai jab meri mata jivit thian aur baboo ji 11 baje rat ko praivet tyooshan kar ke ghar ate the. to mujhe riyasat aur kul-gaurav ka abhiman kabhi nahian ho sakata, usi tarah jaise tumhare hriday se yah abhiman kabhi mit nahian sakata. yah ghamand mujhe usi dasha mean hoga jab maian smritihin ho jaooangi.

maianne uddandata se kaha-kul-pratishtha ko to maian mita nahian sakata, mere vash ki bat nahian hai, lekin tumhare lie maian aj riyasat ko tilaanjali de sakata hooan.

lajja kroor muskan se boli-phir vahi bhavukata ! agar yah bat tum kisi abodh balika se karate to kadachith vah phooli n samati. maian ek aise gahan vishay mean, jis par do praniyoan ke samast jivan ka sukh-duahkh nirbhar hai, bhavukata ka ashray nahian le sakati. shadi banavat nahian hai. paramatma sakshi hai, maian vivash hooan, mujhe abhi tak svayan maloom nahian hai ki meri doangi kidhar jayegi; lekin maian tumhare jivan ko kantakamay nahian bana sakati.

maian yahaan se chala to itana nirash n tha jitana sachiant. lajja ne mere samane ek nayi samasya upasthit kar di thi.

ham donoan sath-sath em.e. hue. keshav pratham shreni mean aya, maian dvitiy shreni mean. use nagapur ke ek kalej mean adhyapak ka pad mil gaya. maian ghar a kar apani riyasat ka prabandh karane laga. chalate samay ham donoan gale mil kar aur ro kar vida hue. virodh aur eershya ko kalej mean chho d diya.

maian apane praant ka pahala tallukedar tha, jisane em.e. pad prapt kiya ho. pahale to rajyadhikariyoan ne meri khoob avabhagat ki; lekin jab mere samajik siddhaantoan se avagat hue to unaki kripadrishti kuchh shithil p d gayi. maianne bhi unase milana-julana chho d diya. apana adhikaansh samay asamiyoan ke hi bich mean vyatit karata.

poora sal bhar bhi n gujarane paya ki ek tallukedar ki paralok-yatr ne kauansil mean ek sthan khali kar diya. maianne kauansil mean jane ki apani taraph se koee koshish nahian ki. lekin kashtakaroan ne apane pratinidhitv ka bhar mere hi sir rakha. bechara keshav to apane kalej mean lekchar deta tha, kisi ko khabar bhi n thi ki vah kahaan hai aur kya kar raha hai aur maian apane kul-maryada ki badaulat kauansil ka membar ho gaya. meri vaktritaean samachar-patroan mean chhapane lagian. mere prashnoan ki prashansa hone lagi. kauansil mean mera vishesh samman hone laga, kee sajjan aise nikal aye jo janatavad ke bhakt the. pahale vah paristhitiyoan se kuchh dabe hue the, ab vah khul p de. ham logoan ne lokavadiyoan ka apana ek prithakh dal bana liya aur krishakoan ke adhikaroan ko joroan ke sath vyakt karana shuroo kiya. adhikaansh bhoopatiyoan ne meri avahelana ki. kee sajjanoan ne dhamakiyaan bhi dian; lekin maianne apane nishchit path ko n chho da. seva ke is suavasar ko kyoankar hath se jane deta. doosara varsh samapt hote-hote jati ke pradhan netaoan mean meri ganana hone lagi. mujhe bahut parishram karana, bahut padhana, bahut likhana aur bahut bolana p data, par jara bhi n ghabarata. is parishramashilata ke lie keshav ka rrini tha. usi ne mujhe itana abhyast bana diya tha.

mere pas keshav aur prophesar bhatiya ke patr barabar ate rahate the. kabhi-kabhi lajjavati bhi milati thi. usake patroan mean shraddha aur prem ki matr dinoandin badhati jati thi. vah meri rashtraseva ka b de udar, b de utsahamay shabdoan mean bakhan karati. mere vishay mean use pahale jo shankaean thian, vah mitati jati thian. meri tapasya ki devi ko akarshit karane lagi thi. keshav ke patroan se udasinata tapakati thi. usake kalej mean dhan ka abhav tha. tin varsh ho gaye the, par usaki taraqqi n huee thi. patroan se aisa pratit hota tha mano vah jivan se asantusht hai. kadachith isaka mukhy karan yah tha ki abhi tak usake jivan ka sukhamay svapn charitarth n hua tha.

tisare varsh garmiyoan ki tatil mean prophesar bhatiya mujhase milane aye aur bahut prasann ho kar gaye. usake ek hi saptah pichhe lajjavati ka patr aya, adalat ne tajabij suna di, meri digri ho gayi. keshav ki pahali bar mere mukabale mean har huee. mere harshollas ki koee sima n thi. pro. bhatiya ka irada bharatavarsh ke sab praantoan mean bhraman karane ka tha. vah samyavad par ek granth likh rahe the jisake lie pratyek b de nagar mean kuchh anveshan karane ki zaroorat thi. lajja ko apane sath le jana chahate the. nishchay hua ki unake laut ane par agami chait ke mahine mean hamara sanyog ho jay. maian yah viyog ke din b di besabri se katane laga. ab tak maian janata tha bazi keshav ke hath rahegi, maian nirash tha, par shaant tha. ab asha thi aur usake sath ghor ashaanti thi.

march ka mahina tha. pratiksha ki avadhi poori ho chuki thi. kathin parishram ke din gaye, phasal katane ka samay aya. prophesar sahab ne dhaka se patr likha tha ki kee anivary karanoan se mera lautana march mean nahian mee mean hoga. isi bich mean kashmir ke divan lala somanath kapoor nainital aye. bajat pesh tha. un par vyavasthapak sabha mean vad-vivad ho raha tha. gavarnar ki or se divan sahab ko parti di gayi. sabha ke pratinidhiyoan ko bhi nimantran mila. kauansil ki or se mujhe abhivadan karane ka saubhagy prapt hua. meri bakavas ko divan sahab ne bahut pasand kiya. chalate samay mujhase kee minat tak batean kian aur mujhe apane dere par ane ka adesh diya. unake sath unaki putri sushila bhi thi. vah pichhe sir jhukaye kh di rahi. jan p data tha, bhoomi ko padh rahi hai. par maian apani aankhoan ko kaboo mean n rakh saka. vah utani hi der mean ek bar nahian, kee bar uthi aur jaise bachcha kisi ajanabi ki chumakar se usaki or lapakata hai, par phir dar kar maan ki god se chimat jata hai; vah bhi dar kar adhe raste se laut gayi. lajja agar kusumit vatika thi to sushila shital salil-dhara thi jahaan vrikshoan ke kuanj the, vinodashil mrigoan ke jhuand, vihagavali ki anant shobha aur tarangoan ka madhur sangit.

maian ghar par aya to aisa thaka hua tha jaise koee manzil marakar aya hooan. sauandary jivan-sudha hai. maloom nahian kyoan isaka asar itana pranaghatak hota hai.

leta to vahi soorat samane thi. maian use hatana chahata tha. mujhe bhay tha ki ek kshan bhi us bhanvar mean p d kar maian apane ko sanbhal n sakooanga. maian ab lajjavati ka ho chuka tha, vahi ab mere hriday ki svamini thi. mera us par koee adhikar n tha lekin mere sare sanyam, sari dalilean nishphal hueean. jal ke udveg mean nauka ko dhage se kaun rok sakata hai. aant mean hatash ho kar maianne apane ko vicharoan ke pravah mean dal diya. kuchh door tak nauka vegavati tarangoan ke sath chali, phir usi pravah mean vilin ho gayi.

doosare din maian niyat samay par divan sahab ke dere par ja pahuancha, is bhaanti kaanpata aur hichakata jaise koee balak damini ki chamak se chauank-chauank kar aankh band kar leta hai ki kahian vah chamak n jay, kahian maian usaki chamak n dekh looan; bhola-bhala kisan bhi adalat ke samane itana sashank n hota hoga. yatharth yah tha ki meri atma parast ho chuki thi, usamean ab pratikar ki shakti n rahi thi.

divan sahab ne mujhase hath milaya aur koee ghante bhar tak arthik aur samajik prashnoan par vartalap karate rahe. mujhe unaki bahujnata par ashchary hota tha. aisa vakchatur purush maianne kabhi n dekha tha. sath varsh ki vayas thi, par hasy aur vinod ke mano bhandar the. n jane kitane shlok, kitane kavitt, kitane sher unhean yad the. bat-bat par koee n koee suyukti nikal late the. khed hai us prakriti ke log ab gayab hote jate haian. vah shiksha pranali n jane kaisi thi, jo aise-aise ratn utpann karati thi. ab to sajivata kahian dikhayi hi nahian deti. pratyek prani chinta ki moorti hai, usake hoanthoan par kabhi hansi ati hi nahian. khair, divan sahab ne pahale chay mangavayi, phir phal aur meve mangavaye. maian rah-rah kar idhar-udhar utsuk netroan se dekhata tha. mere kan usake svar ka rasapan karane ke lie muanh khole hue the, aankhean dvar ki or lagi huee thian. bhay bhi tha aur lagav bhi, jhijhak bhi thi aur khianchav bhi. bachcha jhoole se darata hai par us par baithana bhi chahata hai.

lekin rat ke nau baj gaye, mere lautane ka samay a gaya. man mean lajjit ho raha tha ki divan sahab dil mean kya kah rahe hoange. sochate hoange ise koee kam nahian hai ? jata kyoan nahian, baithe-baithe do dhaee ghante to ho gaye.

sari batean samapt ho gayian. unake latiphe bhi khatm ho gaye. vah niravata upasthit ho gayi, jo kahati hai ki ab chalie phir mulakat hogi. yar jianda v sohabat baki. maianne kee bar uthane ka irada kiya, lekin iantazar mean ashik ki jan bhi nahian nikalati, maut ko bhi iantazar ka samana karana p data hai. yahaan tak ki sadhe nau baj gaye aur ab mujhe vida hone ke sivay koee marg n raha, jaise dil baith gaya.

jise maianne bhay kaha hai, vah vastav mean bhay nahian tha, vah utsukata ki charam sima thi.

yahaan se chala to aisa shithil aur nirjiv tha mano pran nikal gaye hoan. apane ko dhikkarane laga. apani kshudrata par lajjit hua. tum samajhate ho ki ham bhi kuchh haian. yahaan kisi ki tumhare marane-jine ki paravah nahian. mana usake lakshan kvaanriyoan ke-se haian. sansar mean kvaanri l dakiyoan ki kami nahian. sauandary bhi aisi durlabh vastu nahian. agar pratyek roopavati aur kvaanri yuvati ko dekh kar tumhari vahi halat hoti rahi to eeshvar hi malik hai.

vah bhi to apane dil mean yahi vichar karati hogi. pratyek roopavan yuvak par usaki aankhean kyoan uthean. kulavati striyoan ke yah dhang nahian hote. purushoan ke lie agar yah roop-trishna niandajanak hai to striyoan ke lie vinashakarak hai. dvait se advait ko bhi itana aghat nahian pahuanch sakata, jitana sauandary ko.

doosare din sham ko maian apane baramade mean baitha patr dekh raha tha. klab jane ko bhi ji nahian chahata tha. chitt kuchh udas tha. sahasa maianne divan sahab ko phitan par ate dekha. motar se unhean ghrina thi. vah use paishachik u danakhatola kaha karate the. usake bagal mean sushila thi. mera hriday dhakh-dhakh karane laga. usaki nigah meri taraph uthi ho ya n uthi ho, par meri takataki us vakt tak lagi rahi jab tak phitan adrishy n ho gayi.

tisare din maian phir baramade mean a baitha. aankhean s dak ki or lagi huee thian. phitan ayi aur chali gayi. ab yahi usaka nityaprati ka niyam ho gaya hai. mera ab yahi kam tha ki sare din baramade mean baitha rahooan. maloom nahian phitan kab nikal jay. visheshatah tisare pahar to maian apani jagah se hilane ka nam bhi n leta tha.

is prakar ek mas bit gaya. mujhe ab kauansil ke kamoan mean koee utsah n tha. samachar-patroan mean, upanyasoan mean ji n lagata. kahian sair karane ka bhi ji n chahata. premiyoan ko n jane jangal-paha d mean bhatakane ki, kaantoan mean ulajhane ki sanak kaise savar hoti hai. mere to jaise pairoan mean be diyaan-si p d gayi thian. bas baramada tha aur maian, aur phitan ka iantazar. meri vicharashakti bhi shayad aantardhan ho gayi thi. maian divan sahab ko ya aangareji shishtata ke anusar sushila ko hi, apane yahaan nimantrit kar sakata tha, par vastav mean maian abhi tak usase bhayabhit tha. ab bhi lajjavati ko apani pranayini samajhata tha. vah ab bhi mere hriday ki rani thi, chahe us par kisi doosari shakti ka adhikar hi kyoan n ho gaya ho !

ek mahina aur nikal gaya, lekin maianne lajja ko koee patr n likha. mujhamean ab use patr likhane ki bhi samarthy n thi. shayad usase patr- vyavahar karane ko maian naitik atyachar samajhata tha. maianne usase daga ki thi. mujhe ab use apane malin aantahkaran mean bhi apavitr karane ka koee adhikar n tha. isaka ant kya hoga ? yahi chianta aharnish mere man par kuhar megh ki bhaanti shoony ho gayi thi. chianta-dah se dinoandin ghulata jata tha. mitrajan aksar poochha karate apako kya maraj hai ? mukh nistej, kaantihin ho gaya. bhojan aushadhi ke saman lagata. sone jata to jan p data, kisi ne pianjare mean band kar diya hai. koee milane ata to chitt usase kosoan bhagata. vichitr dasha thi.

ek din sham ko divan sahab ki phitan mere dvar par a kar ruki. unhoanne apane vyakhyanoan ka ek sangrah prakashit karaya tha. usaki prati mujhe bheant karane ke lie aye the. maianne unhean baithane ke lie bahut agrah kiya, lekin unhoanne yahi kaha, sushila ko yahaan ane mean sankoch hoga aur phitan par akeli vah ghabarayegi. vah chale to maian bhi sath ho liya aur phitan tak pichhe-pichhe aya. jab vah phitan par baithane lage to maianne sushila ko niahshank ho aankh bhar kar dekha, jaise koee pyasa pathik garmi ke din mean aphar kar pani piye ki n jane kab use jal milega. meri us ek chitavan mean ugrata, vah yachana, vah udveg, vah karuna, vah shraddha, vah agrah, vah dinata thi, jo patthar ki moorti ko bhi pighala deti. sushila to phir stri thi. usane bhi meri or dekha, nirbhik saral netroan se, jara bhi jheanp nahian, jara bhi jhijhak nahian. mere parast hone mean jo kasar rah gayi thi, vah poori ho gayi. isake sath usane mujh par mano amrit varsha kar di. mere hriday aur atma mean ek nayi shakti ka sanchar ho gaya. maian lauta to aisa prasannachitt tha mano kalpavriksh mil gaya ho.

ek din maianne prophesar bhatiya ko patr likha- maian tho de dinoan se kisi gupt rog se grast ho gaya hooan. sambhav hai, tapedik (kshay) ka arambh ho isalie maian is mee mean vivah karana uchit nahian samajhata. maian lajjavati se is bhaanti paranmukh hona chahata tha ki unaki nigahoan mean meri ijjat kam n ho. maian kabhi-kabhi apani svarthaparata par kruddh hota. lajja ke sath yah chhal-kapat, yah bevafaee karate hue maian apani hi najaroan mean gir gaya tha. lekin man par koee vash n tha. us abala ko kitana duahkh hoga, yah soch kar maian kee bar roya. abhi tak maian sushila ke svabhav, vichar, manovrittiyoan se jara bhi parichit n tha. keval usake roop-lavany par apani lajja ki chirasanchit abhilashaoan ka balidan kar raha tha. abodh balakoan ki bhaanti mithaee ke nam par apane doodh-chaval ko thukaraye deta tha. maianne prophesar ko likha tha- lajjavati se meri bimari ka zikr n karean, lekin prophesar sahab itane gahare n the. chauthe hi din lajja ka patr aya, jisamean usane apana hriday khol kar rakh diya tha. vah mere lie sab kuchh, yahaan tak ki vaidhavy ki yantranaean bhi sahane ke lie taiyar thi. usaki ichchha thi ki ab hamare sanyog mean ek kshan ka bhi vilamb n ho, astu ! is patr ko liye ghantoan ek sanjnahin dasha mean baitha raha. is alaukik atmotsarg ke samane apani kshudrata, apani svarthaparata, apani durbalata kitani ghrinit thi !

lajjavati

savitri ne kya sab kuchh janate hue bhi satyavan se vivah nahian kiya tha ? maian kyoan darooan ? apane kartavy-marg se kyoan digooan. maian unake lie vrat rakhooangi, tirth karooangi, tapasya karooangi. bhay mujhe unase alag nahian kar sakata. mujhe unase kabhi itana prem n tha. kabhi itani adhirata n thi. yah meri pariksha ka samay hai, aur maianne nishchay kar liya hai. pita ji abhi yatra se laute haian, hath khali haian, koee taiyari nahian kar sake haian. isalie do-char mahinoan ke vilamb se unhean taiyari karane ka avasar mil jata; par maian ab vilamb n karooangi. ham aur vah isi mahine mean ek doosare ke ho jayange, hamari atmaean sada ke lie sanyukt ho jayangi, phir koee vipatti, durghatana mujhe unase juda n kar sakegi.

mujhe ab ek din ki der bhi asahy hai. maian rasm aur rivaj ki lauandi nahian hooan. n vahi isake gulam haian. baboo ji rasmoan ke bhakt nahian. phir kyoan n turant nainital chalooan ? unaki seva-shushroosha karooan, unhean dhadhas dooan. maian unhean sari chiantaoan se, samast vighn-badhaoan se mukt kar dooangi. ilake ka sara prabandh apane hathoan mean looangi. kauansil ke kamoan mean itana vyast ho jane ke karan hi unaki yah dasha huee. patroan mean adhikatar unhian ke prashn, unhian ki alochanaean, unhian ki vaktritaean dikhayi deti haian. maian unase yachana karooangi ki kuchh dinoan ke lie kauansil se istipha de dean. vah mera gana kitane chav se sunate the. maian unhean apane git suna kar prasann karooangi, kisse padh kar sunaooangi, unako samuchit roop se shaant rakhooangi. is desh mean to is rog ki dava nahian ho sakati. maian unake pairoan par gir kar prarthana karooangi ki kuchh dinoan ke lie yoorop ke kisi sainitoriyam chalean aur vidhipoorvak ilaj karayean. maian kal hi kalej ke pustakalay se is rog ke sambandh ki pustakean laooangi, aur vicharapoorvak unaka adhyayan karooangi. do-char din mean kalej band ho jayaga. maian aj hi baboo ji se nainital chalane ki charcha karooangi

ah ! maianne kal unhean dekha to pahachan n saki. kitana surkh chehara tha, kitana bhara hua sharir. maloom hota tha, eeangur bhari huee hai ! kitana sundar aang-vinyas tha ? kitana shauryy tha ! tin hi varshoan mean yah kayapalat ho gayi, mukh pila p d gaya, sharir ghul kar kaanta ho gaya. ahar adha bhi nahian raha, haradam chianta mean magn rahate haian. kahian ate-jate nahian dekhati. itane naukar haian, itana suramy sthan hai ! vinod ke sabhi saman maujood haian; lekin inhean apana jivan ab aandhakaramay jan p data hai. is kalamuanhi bimari ka satyanash ho. agar ise aisi hi bhookh thi to mera shikar kyoan n kiya. maian b de prem se isaka svagat karati. koee aisa upay hota ki yah bimari inhean chho dakar mujhe pak d leti ! mujhe dekhakar kaise khil jate the aur maian muskarane lagati thi. ek-ek aang praphullit ho jata tha. par mujhe yahaan doosara din hai. ek bar bhi unake chehare par hansi n dikhayi di. jab maianne baramade mean qadam rakha tab zaroor hanse the, kiantu kitani nirash hansi thi ! baboo ji apane aansuoan ko n rok sake. alag kamare mean jakar der tak rote rahe. log kahate haian, kauansil mean log keval samman-pratishtha ke lobh se jate haian. unaka lakshy keval nam paida karana hota hai. bechare membaroan par yah kitana kathor akshep hai, kitani ghor kritaghnata. jati ki seva mean sharir ko ghulana p data hai, rakt ko jalana p data hai. yahi jati-seva ka upahar hai.

par yahaan ke naukaroan ko jara bhi chianta nahian hai. baboo ji ne inake do-char milane valoan se bimari ka zikr kiya; par unhoanne bhi paravah n ki. yah mitroan ki sahanubhooti ka hal hai. sabhi apani-apani dhun mean mast haian, kisi ko khabar nahian ki doosaroan par kya gujarati hai. haan, itana mujhe bhi maloom hota hai ki inhean kshay ka keval bhram hai. usake koee lakshan nahian dekhati. paramatma kare mera anuman thik ho. mujhe to koee aur hi rog maloom hota hai. maianne kee bar temparechar liya. ushnata sadharan thi. usamean koee akasmik parivartan bhi n hua. agar yahi bimari hai to abhi arambhik avastha hai, koee karan nahian ki uchit prayatn se usaki j d n ukh d jay. maian kal se hi inhean nity sair karane le jaooangi. motar ki zaroorat nahian, phitan par baithane se zyada labh hoga. mujhe yah svayan kuchh laparavah se jan p date haian. is maraj ke bimaroan ko b di ehatiyat karate dekha hai. din mean bisoan bar to tharmamitar dekhate haian. pathyapathy ka b da vichar rakhate haian. ve phal, doodh aur pushtikarak padarthoan ka sevan kiya karate haian. yah nahian ki jo kuchh rasoiye ne apane man se banakar samane rakh diya, vahi do-char gras kha kar uth aye. mujhe to vishvas hota jata hai ki inhean koee doosari hi shikayat hai. jara avakash mile to isaka pata lagaooan. koee chianta nahian hai ? riyasat par karz ka bojh to nahian hai ? tho da bahut karz to avashy hi hoga. yah to reesoan ki shan hai. agar karz hi isaka mool karan hai to avashy koee bhari rakam hogi.

chitt vividh chiantaoan se itana daba hua hai ki kuchh likhane ko ji nahian chahata ! mere samast jivan ki abhilashaean mitti mean mil gayian. ha hatabhagy ! maian apane ko kitani khushanasib samajhati thi. ab sansar mean mujhase zyada badanasib aur koee n hoga. vah amooly ratn jo mujhe chirakal ki tapasya aur upasana se n mila, vah is mriganayani suandari ko anayas mil jata hai. sharada ne abhi use hal mean hi dekha hai. kadachith abhi tak usase paraspar batachit karane ki naubat nahian ayi. lekin usase kitane anurakt ho rahe haian. usake prem mean kaise unmatt ho gaye haian. purushoan ko paramatma ne hriday nahian diya, keval aankhean di haian. vah hriday ki kadr nahian karana janate, keval roop-rang par bik jate haian. agar mujhe kisi tarah vishvas ho jay ki sushila unhean mujhase zyada prasann rakh sakegi, unake jivan ko adhik sarthak bana degi, to mujhe usake lie jagah khali karane mean jara bhi apatti n hogi. vah itani garvavati, itani nithur hai ki mujhe bhay hai kahian sharada ko pachhatana n p de.

lekin yah meri svarth-kalpana hai. sushila garvavati sahi, nithur sahi, vilasini sahi, sharada ne apana prem us par arpan kar diya hai. vah buddhiman haian, chatur haian, dooradarshi haian. apana hani-labh soch sakate haian. unhoanne sab kuchh soch kar hi nishchay kiya hoga. jab unhoanne man mean yah bat than li to mujhe koee adhikar nahian hai ki unake sukh-marg ka kaanta banooan. mujhe sabr karake, apane man ko samajha kar yahaan se nirash, hatash, bhagnahriday, vida ho jana chahie. paramatma se yahi prarthana hai ki unhean prasann rakhe. mujhe jara bhi eershya, jara bhi dambh nahian hai. maian to unaki ichchhaoan ki cheri hooan. agar unhean mujhako vish de dene se khushi hoti to maian shauq se vish ka pyala pi leti. prem hi jivan ka pran hai. ham isi ke lie jina chahate haian. agar isake lie marane ka bhi avasar mile to dhany bhag. yadi keval mere hat jane se sab kam sanvar sakate haian to mujhe koee inakar nahian. hari ichchha ! lekin manav sharir pa kar kaun mayamoh se rahit hota hai ? jis prem-lata ko muddatoan se pala tha, aansuoan se siancha tha, usako pairoan tale rauanda jana nahian dekha jata. hriday vidirn ho jata hai. ab kagaz tairata jan p data hai, aansoo um de chale ate haian, kaise man ko khianchooan. ha ! jise apana samajhati thi, jisake charanoan par apane ko bheant kar chuki thi, jisake sahare jivan-lata pallavit huee thi, jise hriday-mandir mean poojati thi, jisake dhyan mean magn ho jana jivan ka sabase pyara kam tha, usase ab anant kal ke lie viyog ho raha hai. ah ! kisase ab phariyad karooan ? kisake samane ja kar roooan ? kisase apani duahkh-katha kahooan. mera nirbal hriday yah vajraghat nahian sah sakata. yah chot meri jan lekar chho degi. achchha hi hoga. prem-vihin hriday ke lie sansar kalakothari hai, nairashy aur aandhakar se bhari huee. maian janati hooan agar aj baboo ji unase vivah ke lie zor dean to vah taiyar ho jayange, bas murauvat ke putale haian. keval mera man rakhane ke lie apani jan par khel jayeange. vah un shilavan purushoan mean haian jinhoanne ‘nahian’ karana hi nahian sikha. abhi tak unhoanne divan sahab se sushila ke vishay mean koee batachit nahian ki. shayad mera rukh dekh rahe haian. isi asamanjas ne unhean is dasha ko pahuancha diya hai. vah mujhe hamesha prasann rakhane ki cheshta kareange. mera dil kabhi n dukhaveange, sushila ki charcha bhool kar bhi n kareange. maian unake svabhav ko janati hooan. vah nar-ratn haian. lekin maian unake pairoan ki be di nahian banana chahati. jo kuchh bite apane hi oopar bite. unhean kyoan sametooan ? doobana hi hai to ap kyoan n doobooan, unhean apane sath kyoan dubaooan ?

vah bhi janati hooan ki yadi is shok ne ghula-ghula kar meri jan le li to yah apane ko kabhi kshama n kareange. unaka samast jivan kshobh aur glani ko bheant ho jayega, unhean kabhi shaanti n milegi. kitani vikat samasya hai. mujhe marane ki bhi svadhinata nahian. mujhe inako prasann rakhane ke lie apane ko prasann rakhana hoga. unase nishthurata karani p degi. triyacharitr khelana p dega. dikhana p dega ki is bimari ke karan ab vivah ki batachit anargal hai. vachan ko to dane ka aparadh apane sir lena p dega. isake sivay uddhar ki aur koee vyavastha nahian ? paramatma mujhe bal do ki is pariksha mean saphal ho jaooan.

sharadacharan

ek hi nigah ne nishchay kar diya. lajja ne mujhe jit liya. ek hi nigah se sushila ne bhi mujhe jita tha. us nigah mean prabal akarshan tha, ek manohar saraly, ek anandodh‌gar, jo kisi bhaanti chhipaye nahian chhipata tha, ek balochit ullas, mano use koee khilauna mil gaya ho. lajja ki chitavan mean kshama thi aur thi karuna, nairashy tatha vedana. vah apane ko meri ichchha par balidan kar rahi thi. atm-parichay mean use siddhi hai. usane apani buddhimani se sari sthiti ta d li aur turant phaisala kar liya. vah mere sukh mean badhak nahian banana chahati thi. usake sath hi yah bhi prakat karana chahati thi ki mujhe tumhari paravah nahian hai. agar tum mujhase jau bhar khianchoge to maian tumase gaj bhar khianch jaooangi. lekin manovrittiyaan sugandh ke saman haian jo chhipane se nahian chhipatian. usaki nithurata mean nairashyamay vedana thi, usaki muskan mean aansuoan ki jhalak. vah meri nigah bacha kar kyoan rasoee mean chali jati thi aur koee n koee pak, jise vah janati hai ki mujhe ruchikar hai, bana lati thi ? vah mere naukaroan ko kyoan aram se rakhane ki gupt riti se takid kiya karati thi ? samacharapatroan ko kyoan meri nigah se chhipa diya karati thi ? kyoan sandhya samay mujhe sair karane ko majaboor kiya karati thi ? usaki ek-ek bat usake hriday ka parada khol deti thi.

use kadachith maloom nahian hai ki atm-parichay ramaniyoan ka vishesh gun nahian. us din jab prophesar bhatiya ne batoan hi batoan mean mujh par vyangy kiye, mujhe vaibhav aur sampatti ka das kaha aur mere samyavad ki hansi u dani chahi to usane kitani chaturata se bat tal di. pichhe se maloom nahian usane unhean kya kaha; par maian baramade mean baitha sun raha tha ki bap aur beti bagiche mean baithe hue kisi vishay par bahas kar rahe haian. kaun aisa hridayashoony prani hai jo nishkam seva ke vashibhoot n ho jay. lajjavati ko maian bahut dinoan se janata hooan. par mujhe jnat hua ki isi mulakat mean maianne usaka yatharth roop dekha. pahale maian usaki rooparashi ka, usake udar vicharoan ka, usaki mriduvani ka bhakt tha. usaki ujjval, divy atmajyoti meri aankhoan se chhipi huee thi. maianne abaki hi jana ki usaka prem kitana gahara, kitana pavitr, kitana agadh hai. is avastha mean koee doosari stri eershya se bavali ho jati, mujhase nahian to sushila se to avashy hi jalane lagati, ap kudhati, use vyangyoan se chhedati aur mujhe dhoort, kapati, pashan, n jane kya-kya kahati. par lajja ne jitane vishuddh prem-bhav se sushila ka svagat kiya, vah mujhe kabhi n bhoolega maliny, sankirnata, katuta ka lesh n tha. is tarah use hathoan-hath liye phirati thi mano chhoti bahin usake yahaan mehaman hai. sushila is vyavahar par mano mugdh ho gayi. ah ! vah drishy bhi chirasmaraniy hai, jab lajjavati mujhase vida hone lagi. prophesar bhatiya motar par baithe hue the. vah mujhase kuchh khinn ho gaye aur jaldi se jaldi bhag jana chahate the. lajja ek ujjval sa di pahane hue mere sammukh a kar kh di ho gayi. vah ek tapasvini thi, jisane prem par apana jivan arpan kar diya ho, shvet pushpoan ki mala thi jo kisi devamoorti ke charanoan par p di huee ho. usane muskara kar mujhase kaha-kabhi-kabhi patr likhate rahana, itani kripa ki maian apane ko adhikarini samajhati hooan.

maianne josh se kaha- haan, avashy.

lajjavati ne phir kaha- shayad yah hamari aantim bheant ho. n jane maian kahaan rahooangi, kahaan jaooangi; phir kabhi a sakooangi ya nahian. mujhe bilakul bhool n jana. agar mere muanh se koee aisi bat nikal ayi ho jisase tumhean duahkh hua ho to kshama karana aur ... apane svasthy ka bahut dhyan rakhana.

yah kahate hue usane meri taraph hath badhaye. hath kaanp rahe the. kadachith aankhoan mean aansuoan ka aveg ho raha tha. vah jaldi se kamare ke bahar nikal jana chahati thi. apane jabt par ab use bharosa n tha. usane meri or dabi aankhoan se dekha. magar is arddh-chitavan mean dabe hue pani ka veg aur pravah tha. aise pravah mean maian sthir n rah saka. is nigah ne hari huee bazi jit li; maianne usake donoan hath pak d liye aur gadgad svar se bola nahian lajja, ab hamamean aur tumamean kabhi viyog n hoga.

sahasa chaparasi ne sushila ka patr lakar samane rakh diya. likha tha -

priy shri sharadacharan ji,

ham log kal yahaan se chale jayange. mujhe aj bahut kam karana hai, isalie mil n sakooangi. maianne aj rat ko apana kartavy sthir kar liya. maian lajjavati ke bane-banaye ghar ko uja dana nahian chahati. mujhe pahale yah bat n maloom thi, nahian to hamamean itani ghanishthata n hoti. mera apase yahi anurodh hai ki lajja ko hath se n jane dijie. vah nari-ratn hai. maian janati hooan ki mera roop-rang usase kuchh achchha hai aur kadachith ap usi pralobhan mean p d gaye; lekin mujhamean vah tyag, vah seva bhav, vah atmotsarg nahian hai. maian apako prasann rakh sakati hooan, par apake jivan ko unnat nahian kar sakati, use pavitr aur yashasvi nahian bana sakati. lajja devi hai, vah apako devata bana degi. maian apane ko is yogy nahian samajhati. kal mujhase bheant karane ka vichar n kijie, rone-rulane se kya labh. kshama kijiega.

apaki

sushila

maianne yah patr lajja ke hath mean rakh diya. vah padh kar boli- maian usase aj hi milane jaooangi.

maianne usaka ashay samajh kar kaha- kshama karo, tumhari udarata ki doosari bar pariksha nahian lena chahata.

yah kah kar maian prophesar bhatiya ke pas gaya. vah motar par muanh phulaye baithe the. mere badale lajjavati ayi hoti to us par zaroor hi baras p date.

maianne unake pad sparsh kiye aur sir jhuka kar bola- apane mujhe sadaiv apana putr samajha hai. ab us nate ko aur bhi dridh kar dijie.

prophesar bhatiya ne pahale to meri or avishvasapoorn netroan se dekha tab muskara kar bole- yah to mere jivan ki sabase b di abhilasha thi.

sanbandhit lekh

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