हार की जीत -प्रेमचंद  हिन्दी देवनागरी में पढ़ें।

Icon-edit.gif is lekh ka punarikshan evn sampadan hona avashyak hai. ap isamen sahayata kar sakate hain. "sujhav"

keshav se meri purani lag-dant thi. lekh aur vani, hasy aur vinod sabhi kshetron men mujhase koson age tha. usake gunon ki chndr-jyoti men mere dipak ka prakash kabhi prasphutit n hua. ek bar use nicha dikhana mere jivan ki sabase badi abhilasha thi. us samay mainne kabhi svikar nahin kiya. apani trutiyon ko kaun svikar karata hai par vastav men mujhe eeshvar ne usaki jaisi buddhi-shakti n pradan ki thi. agar mujhe kuchh taskin thi to yah ki vidyakshetr men chahe mujhe unase kndha milana kabhi nasib n ho, par vyavahar ki rngabhoomi men sehara mere hi sir rahega. lekin durbhagy se jab pranay-sagar men bhi usane mere sath gota mara aur ratn usi ke hath lagata hua najar aya to main hatash ho gaya. ham donon ne hi em.e. ke lie samyavad ka vishay liya tha. ham donon hi samyavadi the. keshav ke vishay men to yah svabhavik bat thi. usaka kul bahut pratishthit n tha, n vah samriddhi hi thi jo is kami ko poora kar deti. meri avastha isake pratikool thi. main khanadan ka tallukedar aur rees tha. meri samyavadita par logon ko kutoohal hota tha. hamare samyavad ke prophesar baboo haridas bhatiya samyavad ke siddhanton ke kayal the, lekin shayad dhan ki avahelana n kar sakate the. apani lajjavati ke lie unhonne kushagr buddhi keshav ko nahin, mujhe pasnd kiya. ek din sndhya-samay vah mere kamare men aye aur chintit bhav se bole-sharadacharan, main mahinon se ek badi chinta men pada hua hoon. mujhe asha hai ki tum usaka nivaran kar sakate ho ! mere koee putr nahin hai. mainne tumhen aur keshav donon hi ko putr-tuly samajha hai. yadyapi keshav tumase chatur hai, par mujhe vishvas hai ki vistrit snsar men tumhen jo saphalata milegi, vah use nahin mil sakati. atev mainne tumhin ko apani lajja ke lie vara hai. kya main asha karoon ki mera manorath poora hoga.

main svatntr tha, mere mata-pita mujhe ladakapan hi men chhod kar svarg chale gaye the. mere kutumbiyon men ab aisa koee n tha, jisaki anumati lene ki mujhe zaroorat hoti. lajjavati jaisi sushila, sundari, sushikshit stri ko pa kar kaun purush hoga jo apane bhagy ko n sarahata. main phoola n samaya. lajja ek kusumit vatika thi, jahan gulab ki manohar sugndhi thi aur hariyali ki manoram shitalata, samir ki shubhr tarnge thin aur pakshiyon ka madhur sngit. vah svayn samyavad par mohit thi. striyon ke pratinidhitv aur aise hi any vishayon par usane mujhase kitani hi bar baten ki thin. lekin prophesar bhatiya ki tarah keval siddhanton ki bhakt n thi, unako vyavahar men bhi lana chahati thi. usane chatur keshav ko apana sneh-patr banaya tha. tathapi main janata tha ki prophesar bhatiya ke adesh ko vah kabhi nahin tal sakati, yadyapi usaki ichchha ke viruddh main use apani pranayini banane ke lie taiyar n tha. is vishay men main svechchha ke siddhant ka kayal tha. isalie main keshav ki virakti aur kshobh se ashatit anand n utha saka. ham donon hi duahkhi the, aur mujhe pahali bar keshav se sahanubhooti huee. main lajjavati se keval itana poochhana chahata tha ki usane mujhe kyon najaron se gira diya. par usake samane aise najuk prashnon ko chhedate hue mujhe snkoch hota tha, aur yah svabhavik tha, kyonki koee ramani apane antahkaran ke rahasyon ko nahin khol sakati. lekin shayad lajjavati is paristhiti ko mere samane prakat karana apana kartavy samajh rahi thi. vah isaka avasar dhoondh rahi thi. snyog se use shighr hi avasar mil gaya.

sndhya ka samay tha. keshav rajapoot haaustal men samyavad par ek vyakhyan dene gaya hua tha. prophesar bhatiya us jalase ke pradhan the. lajja apane bngale men akeli baithi huee thi. main apane ashant hriday ke bhav chhipaye hue, shok aur nairashy ki dah se jalata hua usake samip a kar baith gaya. lajja ne meri or ek udati huee nigah dali aur saday bhav se boli-kuchh chintit jan padate ho ?

mainne kritrim udasinata se kaha-tumhari bala se.

lajja keshav ka vyakhyan sunane nahin gaye ?

meri ankhon se jvala si nikalane lagi. jabt karake bola aj sir men dard ho raha tha.

yah kahate-kahate anayas hi mere netron se ansoo ki kee boonden tapak padin. main apane shok ko pradarshit karake usaka karunapatr banana nahin chahata tha. mere vichar men rona striyon ke hi svabhavanukool tha. main us par krodh prakat karana chahata tha aur nikal pade ansoo. man ke bhav ichchha ke adhin nahin hote.

mujhe rote dekh kar lajja ki ankhon se ansoo girane lage.

main kina nahin rakhata, malin hriday nahin hoon, lekin n maloom kyon lajja ke rone par mujhe is samay ek anand ka anubhav hua. us shokavastha men bhi main us par vyngy karane se baj n rah saka. bola lajja, main to apane bhagy ko rota hoon. shayad tumhare anyay ki duhaee de raha hoon; lekin tumhare ansoo kyon ?

lajja ne meri or tiraskar-bhav se dekha aur boli-mere ansuon ka rahasy tum n samajhoge kyonki tumane kabhi samajhane ki cheshta nahin ki. tum mujhe katu vachan suna kar apane chitt ko shant kar lete ho. main kise jalaoon. tumhen kya maloom hai ki mainne kitana aga-pichha sochakar, hriday ko kitana dabakar, kitani raten karavaten badal kar aur kitane ansoo baha kar yah nishchay kiya hai. tumhari kul-pratishtha, tumhari riyasat ek divar ki bhanti mere raste men khadi hai. us divar ko main par nahin kar sakati. main janati hoon ki is samay tumhen kul-pratishtha aur riyasat ka leshamatr bhi abhiman nahin hai. lekin yah bhi janati hoon ki tumhara kalej ki shital chhaya men pala hua samyavad bahut dinon tak sansarik jivan ki loo aur lapat ko n sah sakega. us samay tum avashy apane phaisale par pachhataoge aur kudhoge. main tumhare doodh ki makkhi aur hriday ka kanta ban jaoongi.

mainne ardr hokar kaha-jin karanon se mera samyavad lupt ho jayaga, kya vah tumhare samyavad ko jita chhodega ?

lajja han, mujhe poora vishvas hai ki mujh par unaka jara bhi asar n hoga. mere ghar men kabhi riyasat nahin rahi aur kul ki avastha tum bhalibhanti janate ho. baboo ji ne keval apane aviral parishram aur adhyavasay se yah pad prapt kiya hai. mujhe vah nahin bhoola hai jab meri mata jivit thin aur baboo ji 11 baje rat ko praivet tyooshan kar ke ghar ate the. to mujhe riyasat aur kul-gaurav ka abhiman kabhi nahin ho sakata, usi tarah jaise tumhare hriday se yah abhiman kabhi mit nahin sakata. yah ghamnd mujhe usi dasha men hoga jab main smritihin ho jaoongi.

mainne uddndata se kaha-kul-pratishtha ko to main mita nahin sakata, mere vash ki bat nahin hai, lekin tumhare lie main aj riyasat ko tilanjali de sakata hoon.

lajja kroor muskan se boli-phir vahi bhavukata ! agar yah bat tum kisi abodh balika se karate to kadachith vah phooli n samati. main ek aise gahan vishay men, jis par do praniyon ke samast jivan ka sukh-duahkh nirbhar hai, bhavukata ka ashray nahin le sakati. shadi banavat nahin hai. paramatma sakshi hai, main vivash hoon, mujhe abhi tak svayn maloom nahin hai ki meri dongi kidhar jayegi; lekin main tumhare jivan ko kntakamay nahin bana sakati.

main yahan se chala to itana nirash n tha jitana sachint. lajja ne mere samane ek nayi samasya upasthit kar di thi.

ham donon sath-sath em.e. hue. keshav pratham shreni men aya, main dvitiy shreni men. use nagapur ke ek kalej men adhyapak ka pad mil gaya. main ghar a kar apani riyasat ka prabndh karane laga. chalate samay ham donon gale mil kar aur ro kar vida hue. virodh aur eershya ko kalej men chhod diya.

main apane prant ka pahala tallukedar tha, jisane em.e. pad prapt kiya ho. pahale to rajyadhikariyon ne meri khoob avabhagat ki; lekin jab mere samajik siddhanton se avagat hue to unaki kripadrishti kuchh shithil pad gayi. mainne bhi unase milana-julana chhod diya. apana adhikansh samay asamiyon ke hi bich men vyatit karata.

poora sal bhar bhi n gujarane paya ki ek tallukedar ki paralok-yatr ne kaunsil men ek sthan khali kar diya. mainne kaunsil men jane ki apani taraph se koee koshish nahin ki. lekin kashtakaron ne apane pratinidhitv ka bhar mere hi sir rakha. bechara keshav to apane kalej men lekchar deta tha, kisi ko khabar bhi n thi ki vah kahan hai aur kya kar raha hai aur main apane kul-maryada ki badaulat kaunsil ka membar ho gaya. meri vaktritaen samachar-patron men chhapane lagin. mere prashnon ki prashnsa hone lagi. kaunsil men mera vishesh samman hone laga, kee sajjan aise nikal aye jo janatavad ke bhakt the. pahale vah paristhitiyon se kuchh dabe hue the, ab vah khul pade. ham logon ne lokavadiyon ka apana ek prithakh dal bana liya aur krishakon ke adhikaron ko joron ke sath vyakt karana shuroo kiya. adhikansh bhoopatiyon ne meri avahelana ki. kee sajjanon ne dhamakiyan bhi din; lekin mainne apane nishchit path ko n chhoda. seva ke is suavasar ko kyonkar hath se jane deta. doosara varsh samapt hote-hote jati ke pradhan netaon men meri ganana hone lagi. mujhe bahut parishram karana, bahut padhana, bahut likhana aur bahut bolana padata, par jara bhi n ghabarata. is parishramashilata ke lie keshav ka rini tha. usi ne mujhe itana abhyast bana diya tha.

mere pas keshav aur prophesar bhatiya ke patr barabar ate rahate the. kabhi-kabhi lajjavati bhi milati thi. usake patron men shraddha aur prem ki matr dinondin badhati jati thi. vah meri rashtraseva ka bade udar, bade utsahamay shabdon men bakhan karati. mere vishay men use pahale jo shnkaen thin, vah mitati jati thin. meri tapasya ki devi ko akarshit karane lagi thi. keshav ke patron se udasinata tapakati thi. usake kalej men dhan ka abhav tha. tin varsh ho gaye the, par usaki taraqqi n huee thi. patron se aisa pratit hota tha mano vah jivan se asntusht hai. kadachith isaka mukhy karan yah tha ki abhi tak usake jivan ka sukhamay svapn charitarth n hua tha.

tisare varsh garmiyon ki tatil men prophesar bhatiya mujhase milane aye aur bahut prasann ho kar gaye. usake ek hi saptah pichhe lajjavati ka patr aya, adalat ne tajabij suna di, meri digri ho gayi. keshav ki pahali bar mere mukabale men har huee. mere harshollas ki koee sima n thi. pro. bhatiya ka irada bharatavarsh ke sab pranton men bhraman karane ka tha. vah samyavad par ek granth likh rahe the jisake lie pratyek bade nagar men kuchh anveshan karane ki zaroorat thi. lajja ko apane sath le jana chahate the. nishchay hua ki unake laut ane par agami chait ke mahine men hamara snyog ho jay. main yah viyog ke din badi besabri se katane laga. ab tak main janata tha bazi keshav ke hath rahegi, main nirash tha, par shant tha. ab asha thi aur usake sath ghor ashanti thi.

march ka mahina tha. pratiksha ki avadhi poori ho chuki thi. kathin parishram ke din gaye, phasal katane ka samay aya. prophesar sahab ne dhaka se patr likha tha ki kee anivary karanon se mera lautana march men nahin mee men hoga. isi bich men kashmir ke divan lala somanath kapoor nainital aye. bajat pesh tha. un par vyavasthapak sabha men vad-vivad ho raha tha. gavarnar ki or se divan sahab ko parti di gayi. sabha ke pratinidhiyon ko bhi nimntran mila. kaunsil ki or se mujhe abhivadan karane ka saubhagy prapt hua. meri bakavas ko divan sahab ne bahut pasnd kiya. chalate samay mujhase kee minat tak baten kin aur mujhe apane dere par ane ka adesh diya. unake sath unaki putri sushila bhi thi. vah pichhe sir jhukaye khadi rahi. jan padata tha, bhoomi ko padh rahi hai. par main apani ankhon ko kaboo men n rakh saka. vah utani hi der men ek bar nahin, kee bar uthi aur jaise bachcha kisi ajanabi ki chumakar se usaki or lapakata hai, par phir dar kar man ki god se chimat jata hai; vah bhi dar kar adhe raste se laut gayi. lajja agar kusumit vatika thi to sushila shital salil-dhara thi jahan vrikshon ke kunj the, vinodashil mrigon ke jhund, vihagavali ki annt shobha aur tarngon ka madhur sngit.

main ghar par aya to aisa thaka hua tha jaise koee mnzil marakar aya hoon. saundary jivan-sudha hai. maloom nahin kyon isaka asar itana pranaghatak hota hai.

leta to vahi soorat samane thi. main use hatana chahata tha. mujhe bhay tha ki ek kshan bhi us bhnvar men pad kar main apane ko snbhal n sakoonga. main ab lajjavati ka ho chuka tha, vahi ab mere hriday ki svamini thi. mera us par koee adhikar n tha lekin mere sare snyam, sari dalilen nishphal hueen. jal ke udveg men nauka ko dhage se kaun rok sakata hai. ant men hatash ho kar mainne apane ko vicharon ke pravah men dal diya. kuchh door tak nauka vegavati tarngon ke sath chali, phir usi pravah men vilin ho gayi.

doosare din main niyat samay par divan sahab ke dere par ja pahuncha, is bhanti kanpata aur hichakata jaise koee balak damini ki chamak se chaunk-chaunk kar ankh bnd kar leta hai ki kahin vah chamak n jay, kahin main usaki chamak n dekh loon; bhola-bhala kisan bhi adalat ke samane itana sashnk n hota hoga. yatharth yah tha ki meri atma parast ho chuki thi, usamen ab pratikar ki shakti n rahi thi.

divan sahab ne mujhase hath milaya aur koee ghnte bhar tak arthik aur samajik prashnon par vartalap karate rahe. mujhe unaki bahugyta par ashchary hota tha. aisa vakchatur purush mainne kabhi n dekha tha. sath varsh ki vayas thi, par hasy aur vinod ke mano bhndar the. n jane kitane shlok, kitane kavitt, kitane sher unhen yad the. bat-bat par koee n koee suyukti nikal late the. khed hai us prakriti ke log ab gayab hote jate hain. vah shiksha pranali n jane kaisi thi, jo aise-aise ratn utpann karati thi. ab to sajivata kahin dikhayi hi nahin deti. pratyek prani chinta ki moorti hai, usake honthon par kabhi hnsi ati hi nahin. khair, divan sahab ne pahale chay mngavayi, phir phal aur meve mngavaye. main rah-rah kar idhar-udhar utsuk netron se dekhata tha. mere kan usake svar ka rasapan karane ke lie munh khole hue the, ankhen dvar ki or lagi huee thin. bhay bhi tha aur lagav bhi, jhijhak bhi thi aur khinchav bhi. bachcha jhoole se darata hai par us par baithana bhi chahata hai.

lekin rat ke nau baj gaye, mere lautane ka samay a gaya. man men lajjit ho raha tha ki divan sahab dil men kya kah rahe honge. sochate honge ise koee kam nahin hai ? jata kyon nahin, baithe-baithe do dhaee ghnte to ho gaye.

sari baten samapt ho gayin. unake latiphe bhi khatm ho gaye. vah niravata upasthit ho gayi, jo kahati hai ki ab chalie phir mulakat hogi. yar jinda v sohabat baki. mainne kee bar uthane ka irada kiya, lekin intazar men ashik ki jan bhi nahin nikalati, maut ko bhi intazar ka samana karana padata hai. yahan tak ki sadhe nau baj gaye aur ab mujhe vida hone ke sivay koee marg n raha, jaise dil baith gaya.

jise mainne bhay kaha hai, vah vastav men bhay nahin tha, vah utsukata ki charam sima thi.

yahan se chala to aisa shithil aur nirjiv tha mano pran nikal gaye hon. apane ko dhikkarane laga. apani kshudrata par lajjit hua. tum samajhate ho ki ham bhi kuchh hain. yahan kisi ki tumhare marane-jine ki paravah nahin. mana usake lakshan kvanriyon ke-se hain. snsar men kvanri ladakiyon ki kami nahin. saundary bhi aisi durlabh vastu nahin. agar pratyek roopavati aur kvanri yuvati ko dekh kar tumhari vahi halat hoti rahi to eeshvar hi malik hai.

vah bhi to apane dil men yahi vichar karati hogi. pratyek roopavan yuvak par usaki ankhen kyon uthen. kulavati striyon ke yah dhng nahin hote. purushon ke lie agar yah roop-trishna nindajanak hai to striyon ke lie vinashakarak hai. dvait se advait ko bhi itana aghat nahin pahunch sakata, jitana saundary ko.

doosare din sham ko main apane baramade men baitha patr dekh raha tha. klab jane ko bhi ji nahin chahata tha. chitt kuchh udas tha. sahasa mainne divan sahab ko phitan par ate dekha. motar se unhen ghrina thi. vah use paishachik udanakhatola kaha karate the. usake bagal men sushila thi. mera hriday dhakh-dhakh karane laga. usaki nigah meri taraph uthi ho ya n uthi ho, par meri takataki us vakt tak lagi rahi jab tak phitan adrishy n ho gayi.

tisare din main phir baramade men a baitha. ankhen sadak ki or lagi huee thin. phitan ayi aur chali gayi. ab yahi usaka nityaprati ka niyam ho gaya hai. mera ab yahi kam tha ki sare din baramade men baitha rahoon. maloom nahin phitan kab nikal jay. visheshatah tisare pahar to main apani jagah se hilane ka nam bhi n leta tha.

is prakar ek mas bit gaya. mujhe ab kaunsil ke kamon men koee utsah n tha. samachar-patron men, upanyason men ji n lagata. kahin sair karane ka bhi ji n chahata. premiyon ko n jane jngal-pahad men bhatakane ki, kanton men ulajhane ki sanak kaise savar hoti hai. mere to jaise pairon men bediyan-si pad gayi thin. bas baramada tha aur main, aur phitan ka intazar. meri vicharashakti bhi shayad antardhan ho gayi thi. main divan sahab ko ya angareji shishtata ke anusar sushila ko hi, apane yahan nimntrit kar sakata tha, par vastav men main abhi tak usase bhayabhit tha. ab bhi lajjavati ko apani pranayini samajhata tha. vah ab bhi mere hriday ki rani thi, chahe us par kisi doosari shakti ka adhikar hi kyon n ho gaya ho !

ek mahina aur nikal gaya, lekin mainne lajja ko koee patr n likha. mujhamen ab use patr likhane ki bhi samarthy n thi. shayad usase patr- vyavahar karane ko main naitik atyachar samajhata tha. mainne usase daga ki thi. mujhe ab use apane malin antahkaran men bhi apavitr karane ka koee adhikar n tha. isaka ant kya hoga ? yahi chinta aharnish mere man par kuhar megh ki bhanti shoony ho gayi thi. chinta-dah se dinondin ghulata jata tha. mitrajan aksar poochha karate apako kya maraj hai ? mukh nistej, kantihin ho gaya. bhojan aushadhi ke saman lagata. sone jata to jan padata, kisi ne pinjare men bnd kar diya hai. koee milane ata to chitt usase koson bhagata. vichitr dasha thi.

ek din sham ko divan sahab ki phitan mere dvar par a kar ruki. unhonne apane vyakhyanon ka ek sngrah prakashit karaya tha. usaki prati mujhe bhent karane ke lie aye the. mainne unhen baithane ke lie bahut agrah kiya, lekin unhonne yahi kaha, sushila ko yahan ane men snkoch hoga aur phitan par akeli vah ghabarayegi. vah chale to main bhi sath ho liya aur phitan tak pichhe-pichhe aya. jab vah phitan par baithane lage to mainne sushila ko niahshnk ho ankh bhar kar dekha, jaise koee pyasa pathik garmi ke din men aphar kar pani piye ki n jane kab use jal milega. meri us ek chitavan men ugrata, vah yachana, vah udveg, vah karuna, vah shraddha, vah agrah, vah dinata thi, jo patthar ki moorti ko bhi pighala deti. sushila to phir stri thi. usane bhi meri or dekha, nirbhik saral netron se, jara bhi jhenp nahin, jara bhi jhijhak nahin. mere parast hone men jo kasar rah gayi thi, vah poori ho gayi. isake sath usane mujh par mano amrit varsha kar di. mere hriday aur atma men ek nayi shakti ka snchar ho gaya. main lauta to aisa prasannachitt tha mano kalpavriksh mil gaya ho.

ek din mainne prophesar bhatiya ko patr likha- main thode dinon se kisi gupt rog se grast ho gaya hoon. sambhav hai, tapedik (kshay) ka arambh ho isalie main is mee men vivah karana uchit nahin samajhata. main lajjavati se is bhanti paranmukh hona chahata tha ki unaki nigahon men meri ijjat kam n ho. main kabhi-kabhi apani svarthaparata par kruddh hota. lajja ke sath yah chhal-kapat, yah bevafaee karate hue main apani hi najaron men gir gaya tha. lekin man par koee vash n tha. us abala ko kitana duahkh hoga, yah soch kar main kee bar roya. abhi tak main sushila ke svabhav, vichar, manovrittiyon se jara bhi parichit n tha. keval usake roop-lavany par apani lajja ki chirasnchit abhilashaon ka balidan kar raha tha. abodh balakon ki bhanti mithaee ke nam par apane doodh-chaval ko thukaraye deta tha. mainne prophesar ko likha tha- lajjavati se meri bimari ka zikr n karen, lekin prophesar sahab itane gahare n the. chauthe hi din lajja ka patr aya, jisamen usane apana hriday khol kar rakh diya tha. vah mere lie sab kuchh, yahan tak ki vaidhavy ki yntranaen bhi sahane ke lie taiyar thi. usaki ichchha thi ki ab hamare snyog men ek kshan ka bhi vilamb n ho, astu ! is patr ko liye ghnton ek sngyahin dasha men baitha raha. is alaukik atmotsarg ke samane apani kshudrata, apani svarthaparata, apani durbalata kitani ghrinit thi !

lajjavati

savitri ne kya sab kuchh janate hue bhi satyavan se vivah nahin kiya tha ? main kyon daroon ? apane kartavy-marg se kyon digoon. main unake lie vrat rakhoongi, tirth karoongi, tapasya karoongi. bhay mujhe unase alag nahin kar sakata. mujhe unase kabhi itana prem n tha. kabhi itani adhirata n thi. yah meri pariksha ka samay hai, aur mainne nishchay kar liya hai. pita ji abhi yatra se laute hain, hath khali hain, koee taiyari nahin kar sake hain. isalie do-char mahinon ke vilamb se unhen taiyari karane ka avasar mil jata; par main ab vilamb n karoongi. ham aur vah isi mahine men ek doosare ke ho jaynge, hamari atmaen sada ke lie snyukt ho jayngi, phir koee vipatti, durghatana mujhe unase juda n kar sakegi.

mujhe ab ek din ki der bhi asahy hai. main rasm aur rivaj ki laundi nahin hoon. n vahi isake gulam hain. baboo ji rasmon ke bhakt nahin. phir kyon n turnt nainital chaloon ? unaki seva-shushroosha karoon, unhen dhadhas doon. main unhen sari chintaon se, samast vighn-badhaon se mukt kar doongi. ilake ka sara prabandh apane hathon men loongi. kaunsil ke kamon men itana vyast ho jane ke karan hi unaki yah dasha huee. patron men adhikatar unhin ke prashn, unhin ki alochanaen, unhin ki vaktritaen dikhayi deti hain. main unase yachana karoongi ki kuchh dinon ke lie kaunsil se istipha de den. vah mera gana kitane chav se sunate the. main unhen apane git suna kar prasann karoongi, kisse padh kar sunaoongi, unako samuchit roop se shant rakhoongi. is desh men to is rog ki dava nahin ho sakati. main unake pairon par gir kar prarthana karoongi ki kuchh dinon ke lie yoorop ke kisi sainitoriyam chalen aur vidhipoorvak ilaj karayen. main kal hi kalej ke pustakalay se is rog ke sambandh ki pustaken laoongi, aur vicharapoorvak unaka adhyayan karoongi. do-char din men kalej band ho jayaga. main aj hi baboo ji se nainital chalane ki charcha karoongi

ah ! mainne kal unhen dekha to pahachan n saki. kitana surkh chehara tha, kitana bhara hua sharir. maloom hota tha, eengur bhari huee hai ! kitana sundar ang-vinyas tha ? kitana shauryy tha ! tin hi varshon men yah kayapalat ho gayi, mukh pila pad gaya, sharir ghul kar kanta ho gaya. ahar adha bhi nahin raha, haradam chinta men magn rahate hain. kahin ate-jate nahin dekhati. itane naukar hain, itana suramy sthan hai ! vinod ke sabhi saman maujood hain; lekin inhen apana jivan ab andhakaramay jan padata hai. is kalamunhi bimari ka satyanash ho. agar ise aisi hi bhookh thi to mera shikar kyon n kiya. main bade prem se isaka svagat karati. koee aisa upay hota ki yah bimari inhen chhodakar mujhe pakad leti ! mujhe dekhakar kaise khil jate the aur main muskarane lagati thi. ek-ek ang praphullit ho jata tha. par mujhe yahan doosara din hai. ek bar bhi unake chehare par hnsi n dikhayi di. jab mainne baramade men qadam rakha tab zaroor hnse the, kintu kitani nirash hnsi thi ! baboo ji apane ansuon ko n rok sake. alag kamare men jakar der tak rote rahe. log kahate hain, kaunsil men log keval samman-pratishtha ke lobh se jate hain. unaka lakshy keval nam paida karana hota hai. bechare membaron par yah kitana kathor akshep hai, kitani ghor kritaghnata. jati ki seva men sharir ko ghulana padata hai, rakt ko jalana padata hai. yahi jati-seva ka upahar hai.

par yahan ke naukaron ko jara bhi chinta nahin hai. baboo ji ne inake do-char milane valon se bimari ka zikr kiya; par unhonne bhi paravah n ki. yah mitron ki sahanubhooti ka hal hai. sabhi apani-apani dhun men mast hain, kisi ko khabar nahin ki doosaron par kya gujarati hai. han, itana mujhe bhi maloom hota hai ki inhen kshay ka keval bhram hai. usake koee lakshan nahin dekhati. paramatma kare mera anuman thik ho. mujhe to koee aur hi rog maloom hota hai. mainne kee bar temparechar liya. ushnata sadharan thi. usamen koee akasmik parivartan bhi n hua. agar yahi bimari hai to abhi arambhik avastha hai, koee karan nahin ki uchit prayatn se usaki jad n ukhad jay. main kal se hi inhen nity sair karane le jaoongi. motar ki zaroorat nahin, phitan par baithane se zyada labh hoga. mujhe yah svayn kuchh laparavah se jan padate hain. is maraj ke bimaron ko badi ehatiyat karate dekha hai. din men bison bar to tharmamitar dekhate hain. pathyapathy ka bada vichar rakhate hain. ve phal, doodh aur pushtikarak padarthon ka sevan kiya karate hain. yah nahin ki jo kuchh rasoiye ne apane man se banakar samane rakh diya, vahi do-char gras kha kar uth aye. mujhe to vishvas hota jata hai ki inhen koee doosari hi shikayat hai. jara avakash mile to isaka pata lagaoon. koee chinta nahin hai ? riyasat par karz ka bojh to nahin hai ? thoda bahut karz to avashy hi hoga. yah to reeson ki shan hai. agar karz hi isaka mool karan hai to avashy koee bhari rakam hogi.

chitt vividh chintaon se itana daba hua hai ki kuchh likhane ko ji nahin chahata ! mere samast jivan ki abhilashaen mitti men mil gayin. ha hatabhagy ! main apane ko kitani khushanasib samajhati thi. ab snsar men mujhase zyada badanasib aur koee n hoga. vah amooly ratn jo mujhe chirakal ki tapasya aur upasana se n mila, vah is mriganayani sundari ko anayas mil jata hai. sharada ne abhi use hal men hi dekha hai. kadachith abhi tak usase paraspar batachit karane ki naubat nahin ayi. lekin usase kitane anurakt ho rahe hain. usake prem men kaise unmatt ho gaye hain. purushon ko paramatma ne hriday nahin diya, keval ankhen di hain. vah hriday ki kadr nahin karana janate, keval roop-rng par bik jate hain. agar mujhe kisi tarah vishvas ho jay ki sushila unhen mujhase zyada prasann rakh sakegi, unake jivan ko adhik sarthak bana degi, to mujhe usake lie jagah khali karane men jara bhi apatti n hogi. vah itani garvavati, itani nithur hai ki mujhe bhay hai kahin sharada ko pachhatana n pade.

lekin yah meri svarth-kalpana hai. sushila garvavati sahi, nithur sahi, vilasini sahi, sharada ne apana prem us par arpan kar diya hai. vah buddhiman hain, chatur hain, dooradarshi hain. apana hani-labh soch sakate hain. unhonne sab kuchh soch kar hi nishchay kiya hoga. jab unhonne man men yah bat than li to mujhe koee adhikar nahin hai ki unake sukh-marg ka kanta banoon. mujhe sabr karake, apane man ko samajha kar yahan se nirash, hatash, bhagnahriday, vida ho jana chahie. paramatma se yahi prarthana hai ki unhen prasann rakhe. mujhe jara bhi eershya, jara bhi dambh nahin hai. main to unaki ichchhaon ki cheri hoon. agar unhen mujhako vish de dene se khushi hoti to main shauq se vish ka pyala pi leti. prem hi jivan ka pran hai. ham isi ke lie jina chahate hain. agar isake lie marane ka bhi avasar mile to dhany bhag. yadi keval mere hat jane se sab kam snvar sakate hain to mujhe koee inakar nahin. hari ichchha ! lekin manav sharir pa kar kaun mayamoh se rahit hota hai ? jis prem-lata ko muddaton se pala tha, ansuon se sincha tha, usako pairon tale raunda jana nahin dekha jata. hriday vidirn ho jata hai. ab kagaz tairata jan padata hai, ansoo umade chale ate hain, kaise man ko khinchoon. ha ! jise apana samajhati thi, jisake charanon par apane ko bhent kar chuki thi, jisake sahare jivan-lata pallavit huee thi, jise hriday-mandir men poojati thi, jisake dhyan men magn ho jana jivan ka sabase pyara kam tha, usase ab anant kal ke lie viyog ho raha hai. ah ! kisase ab phariyad karoon ? kisake samane ja kar rooon ? kisase apani duahkh-katha kahoon. mera nirbal hriday yah vajraghat nahin sah sakata. yah chot meri jan lekar chhodegi. achchha hi hoga. prem-vihin hriday ke lie snsar kalakothari hai, nairashy aur andhakar se bhari huee. main janati hoon agar aj baboo ji unase vivah ke lie zor den to vah taiyar ho jaynge, bas murauvat ke putale hain. keval mera man rakhane ke lie apani jan par khel jayenge. vah un shilavan purushon men hain jinhonne ‘nahin’ karana hi nahin sikha. abhi tak unhonne divan sahab se sushila ke vishay men koee batachit nahin ki. shayad mera rukh dekh rahe hain. isi asamnjas ne unhen is dasha ko pahuncha diya hai. vah mujhe hamesha prasann rakhane ki cheshta karenge. mera dil kabhi n dukhavenge, sushila ki charcha bhool kar bhi n karenge. main unake svabhav ko janati hoon. vah nar-ratn hain. lekin main unake pairon ki bedi nahin banana chahati. jo kuchh bite apane hi oopar bite. unhen kyon sametoon ? doobana hi hai to ap kyon n dooboon, unhen apane sath kyon dubaoon ?

vah bhi janati hoon ki yadi is shok ne ghula-ghula kar meri jan le li to yah apane ko kabhi kshama n karenge. unaka samast jivan kshobh aur glani ko bhent ho jayega, unhen kabhi shanti n milegi. kitani vikat samasya hai. mujhe marane ki bhi svadhinata nahin. mujhe inako prasann rakhane ke lie apane ko prasann rakhana hoga. unase nishthurata karani padegi. triyacharitr khelana padega. dikhana padega ki is bimari ke karan ab vivah ki batachit anargal hai. vachan ko todane ka aparadh apane sir lena padega. isake sivay uddhar ki aur koee vyavastha nahin ? paramatma mujhe bal do ki is pariksha men saphal ho jaoon.

sharadacharan

ek hi nigah ne nishchay kar diya. lajja ne mujhe jit liya. ek hi nigah se sushila ne bhi mujhe jita tha. us nigah men prabal akarshan tha, ek manohar saraly, ek anandodh‌gar, jo kisi bhanti chhipaye nahin chhipata tha, ek balochit ullas, mano use koee khilauna mil gaya ho. lajja ki chitavan men kshama thi aur thi karuna, nairashy tatha vedana. vah apane ko meri ichchha par balidan kar rahi thi. atm-parichay men use siddhi hai. usane apani buddhimani se sari sthiti tad li aur turnt phaisala kar liya. vah mere sukh men badhak nahin banana chahati thi. usake sath hi yah bhi prakat karana chahati thi ki mujhe tumhari paravah nahin hai. agar tum mujhase jau bhar khinchoge to main tumase gaj bhar khinch jaoongi. lekin manovrittiyan sugndh ke saman hain jo chhipane se nahin chhipatin. usaki nithurata men nairashyamay vedana thi, usaki muskan men ansuon ki jhalak. vah meri nigah bacha kar kyon rasoee men chali jati thi aur koee n koee pak, jise vah janati hai ki mujhe ruchikar hai, bana lati thi ? vah mere naukaron ko kyon aram se rakhane ki gupt riti se takid kiya karati thi ? samacharapatron ko kyon meri nigah se chhipa diya karati thi ? kyon sndhya samay mujhe sair karane ko majaboor kiya karati thi ? usaki ek-ek bat usake hriday ka parada khol deti thi.

use kadachith maloom nahin hai ki atm-parichay ramaniyon ka vishesh gun nahin. us din jab prophesar bhatiya ne baton hi baton men mujh par vyngy kiye, mujhe vaibhav aur sampatti ka das kaha aur mere samyavad ki hnsi udani chahi to usane kitani chaturata se bat tal di. pichhe se maloom nahin usane unhen kya kaha; par main baramade men baitha sun raha tha ki bap aur beti bagiche men baithe hue kisi vishay par bahas kar rahe hain. kaun aisa hridayashoony prani hai jo nishkam seva ke vashibhoot n ho jay. lajjavati ko main bahut dinon se janata hoon. par mujhe gyat hua ki isi mulakat men mainne usaka yatharth roop dekha. pahale main usaki rooparashi ka, usake udar vicharon ka, usaki mriduvani ka bhakt tha. usaki ujjval, divy atmajyoti meri ankhon se chhipi huee thi. mainne abaki hi jana ki usaka prem kitana gahara, kitana pavitr, kitana agadh hai. is avastha men koee doosari stri eershya se bavali ho jati, mujhase nahin to sushila se to avashy hi jalane lagati, ap kudhati, use vyngyon se chhedati aur mujhe dhoort, kapati, pashan, n jane kya-kya kahati. par lajja ne jitane vishuddh prem-bhav se sushila ka svagat kiya, vah mujhe kabhi n bhoolega maliny, snkirnata, katuta ka lesh n tha. is tarah use hathon-hath liye phirati thi mano chhoti bahin usake yahan mehaman hai. sushila is vyavahar par mano mugdh ho gayi. ah ! vah drishy bhi chirasmaraniy hai, jab lajjavati mujhase vida hone lagi. prophesar bhatiya motar par baithe hue the. vah mujhase kuchh khinn ho gaye aur jaldi se jaldi bhag jana chahate the. lajja ek ujjval sadi pahane hue mere sammukh a kar khadi ho gayi. vah ek tapasvini thi, jisane prem par apana jivan arpan kar diya ho, shvet pushpon ki mala thi jo kisi devamoorti ke charanon par padi huee ho. usane muskara kar mujhase kaha-kabhi-kabhi patr likhate rahana, itani kripa ki main apane ko adhikarini samajhati hoon.

mainne josh se kaha- han, avashy.

lajjavati ne phir kaha- shayad yah hamari antim bhent ho. n jane main kahan rahoongi, kahan jaoongi; phir kabhi a sakoongi ya nahin. mujhe bilakul bhool n jana. agar mere munh se koee aisi bat nikal ayi ho jisase tumhen duahkh hua ho to kshama karana aur ... apane svasthy ka bahut dhyan rakhana.

yah kahate hue usane meri taraph hath badhaye. hath kanp rahe the. kadachith ankhon men ansuon ka aveg ho raha tha. vah jaldi se kamare ke bahar nikal jana chahati thi. apane jabt par ab use bharosa n tha. usane meri or dabi ankhon se dekha. magar is arddh-chitavan men dabe hue pani ka veg aur pravah tha. aise pravah men main sthir n rah saka. is nigah ne hari huee bazi jit li; mainne usake donon hath pakad liye aur gadgad svar se bola nahin lajja, ab hamamen aur tumamen kabhi viyog n hoga.

sahasa chaparasi ne sushila ka patr lakar samane rakh diya. likha tha -

priy shri sharadacharan ji,

ham log kal yahan se chale jaynge. mujhe aj bahut kam karana hai, isalie mil n sakoongi. mainne aj rat ko apana kartavy sthir kar liya. main lajjavati ke bane-banaye ghar ko ujadana nahin chahati. mujhe pahale yah bat n maloom thi, nahin to hamamen itani ghanishthata n hoti. mera apase yahi anurodh hai ki lajja ko hath se n jane dijie. vah nari-ratn hai. main janati hoon ki mera roop-rng usase kuchh achchha hai aur kadachith ap usi pralobhan men pad gaye; lekin mujhamen vah tyag, vah seva bhav, vah atmotsarg nahin hai. main apako prasann rakh sakati hoon, par apake jivan ko unnat nahin kar sakati, use pavitr aur yashasvi nahin bana sakati. lajja devi hai, vah apako devata bana degi. main apane ko is yogy nahin samajhati. kal mujhase bhent karane ka vichar n kijie, rone-rulane se kya labh. kshama kijiega.

apaki

sushila

mainne yah patr lajja ke hath men rakh diya. vah padh kar boli- main usase aj hi milane jaoongi.

mainne usaka ashay samajh kar kaha- kshama karo, tumhari udarata ki doosari bar pariksha nahin lena chahata.

yah kah kar main prophesar bhatiya ke pas gaya. vah motar par munh phulaye baithe the. mere badale lajjavati ayi hoti to us par zaroor hi baras padate.

mainne unake pad sparsh kiye aur sir jhuka kar bola- apane mujhe sadaiv apana putr samajha hai. ab us nate ko aur bhi dridh kar dijie.

prophesar bhatiya ne pahale to meri or avishvasapoorn netron se dekha tab muskara kar bole- yah to mere jivan ki sabase badi abhilasha thi.

tika tippani aur sndarbh

bahari kadiyan

snbndhit lekh

varnamala kramanusar lekh khoj

a   a    i    ee    u    oo    e    ai    o   au    an    k   kh    g    gh    n    ch    chh    j    jh    n    t    th    d   dh    n    t    th    d    dh    n    p    ph    b    bh    m    y    r    l    v    sh    sh    s    h    ksh    tr    gy    ri    ri    aau    shr   aah